IDENTITY CRISIS

Its approximately three weeks for me to begin my internship as my first posting as a medical officer. I am reeling at this once in a lifetime opportunity and at times stay up the night thinking about it. My thoughts meander into the beauty of practice and the smile of a hopeless patient who then notices he/she still has another shot at life. I guess that is what it would mean to make lives better literally. When dawn reigns after dusk, I struggle to get out of my bed, I then remind myself that it is about time.

With that in mind, I can’t then fathom why my mind conjures at times to cause this restlessness especially during this period. I have had encounters where I need to introduce myself and am just mute for that period as the other person looks at me questioningly. The results have been out for almost two months now for almost everybody is aware that I am a doctor but why then do I stutter.

I have at times been called a medical student which is what I was and at such times my body has been shuddered into overriding cautiousness. Then the times I am referred to as “Doctor Ismael” and it seems more surreal than I have ever imagined or gloated. You could be wondering what then do I need if am not comfortable in my coatings that I have sown myself.

I like to think that I am just confused and as such this shall cease when internship start, a time I will have a different identification to the one I used to put on while at school.

Becoming a doctor is one scenario but to have everyone calling you doctor so and so is yet another case. One becomes a doctor after completing a medical, veterinary degree or a PhD in any of the other courses. Which makes it purely academic in all regards. So becoming a doctor is a recognition of an accomplishment of an academic feat that one should bask in its glory. However to be called a doctor, shows not just a personal recognition but a community recognition of your importance, stature and almost near “immortality”.

With this in mind, I still can’t get myself to getting comfortable yet. This transition period has been most trying in identity crisis. More like when a teenager is confused about being suddenly recognized as an adult. I guess we all (may be the majority) do have a time when identity crisis sets in, I just didn’t expect mine to be this one!

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There are7 days in a week, 168hours, 10140mminutes and so many microseconds. Point is there is so much time in a week but at times it might just feel like a day or even eternity depending on the events that have occurred.

This ending week shall forever be embalmed in my history memory for finally my special guest arrived. She weighed 3.0kg and she made it at exactly1312hrs on 10^th-7-2012 (I won’t even complain for passing on my offer to share my day). An entrance she made, an instant miss congeniality she became but the calmness she reserves leaves you in admiration.

More in admiration is the most amazing person who ensured her safe arrival for all this time. For now am still in a writers’ block due to this event that seems to last forever.

We shall capture up soon for more to come from the mirror story.

JULY 2

It started on Monday `

“To be or not to be..” it must be from Hamlet.

Sometimes I wish my mind would make up sleazing nice stuff like Shakespeare used to. The marveling at me would definitely go up tenfold, a concern that is so trivial at the moment. May be that gift will need a little more honing and finer touch. Of course, that need is usually driven by demand and resources as the usual allies.

Another week and the exhaustion is unimaginable. I thought I was in my holidays which I am. Recently a revelation was made to me that I always have to do a million and one activities and am still ignorant to the actual meaning.

Still working on the autopsy research study and have so far given myself one opportunity to “scrub” in one. Quite a revering experience that one, I should think of a movie scene where I dash out in an unexpected turn of events. You have to imagine that one yourself.

Monday a very unlikely day to celebrate your jubilee but in this case it happened to be me. A gush of pride and jolly old feelings of being born, indeed I was in my happy self, managing to greet every one with a smile, an effort with a few kilo joules this time done without a wince spent. Birthdays, I still wonder why such feelings have to be when you have grown this much. Investigations will begin when this one is steered well clear of. A gratitude to my sisters who made it more special than I imagined a pound I must have earned in that night.

In style the week had begun but the anticipation is still on, this person is asking too much from me. Patience a rare virtue for even a doctor. I however have to exercise my utmost until Monday, a scary feeling by the one supposed to labor. Not sure where my non medical feelings went, but at this time the countdown has begun 4weeks and 4days to the dreaded internship. My future patients be aware, this vacancy will only open then.

Before the week could end I had the fortune of meeting friends I had last seen 3-5years ago. A group destined for greatness you could tell. The beach provided an ideal environment for such a meeting even when I unfortunately couldn’t complete such a wonderful night with these people. Next time it will be bigger and better, coffee we ought to do.

FACT OR FICTION?

When your week begins in an unlikely format, it’s hard to fathom which devil whose path you crossed unknowingly. In my culture the blame would be on the first person you saw on your way from home. Still in primary school, I came across a proverb; “a bad beginning makes a good ending” but no one would admit to fantasying it to come true. It would be akin to a story book character that goes through trials to eventually emerge successful or a hero in what he/she does.

There is some truth to such story book characters despite the wild imaginations usually implored by the authors, most actually do research in these facts. Sometimes it’s such a hard task to discern facts from fictions even in our daily lives. You might at times pause in your actions as something/ person seems beyond your comprehension, at that time you assume it is fiction and it will pass by.

Last week begun as such, a normal initial appointment hadn’t prepared me for a second unplanned meeting that I thought could save me a lot of effort if I had it then. For a moment I thought it was my fiction world and I needed a hero of myself. Trust, maybe I should have taken the mantle of heroism but the imminent memories of characters like those of titanic keeps a cautious side of me alive.

Up to this time I can’t explain why someone, who certainly was a student at one time, could claim he doesn’t speak to students who have research to do. Research he believes should be left to the specialists, the world is indeed coming to naught with such madness lingering on.

That incidence couldn’t freeze time so life had to move on and indeed it was proof that selfish and egoistical people are a minute fraction of the world’s population. With the other part of my study (“Autopsy study…..” as I was being accused of grabbing a pathologist’s role when am a mere student) going on smoothly as I met more nice people and yes I met those I hadn’t seen in years.

Relations I had for long taken a back came to light and by unknown cosmic coincidence of taking paths I wouldn’t have. There is more evidence of the existence of a supernatural being than science might attempt to explain. With a good feeling to culminate a week after a good conversation with a colleague about biostatistics and publications makes me more determined to pursue my dream of clinical research.

At this time, the feeling however elated, albeit a bit from the low set point on Monday, a special guest is yet to arrive. In anticipation, I am and with hope I pray we make a tag team with my special guest and of course the wonderful person making this possible.